Darren Palmer of The Block asks: Why isnt my marriage legal?
INTERIOR DESIGNER and star of The Block, Darren Palmer, 37, and his husband Olivier Duvillard, 42, CEO of Ultraceuticals, have been married for more than four years. But until the same-sex marriage bill is passed in Australia, their relationship isn’t legally recognised here. Darren insists it’s time for change…
“On a Sunday afternoon a few weeks ago, my phone rang. It was a friend telling me that my husband, Olivier, and I had made it on to The Sunday Telegraph’s list of Sydney’s 25 sexiest couples. I was pretty surprised; I would never have expected to be on that list – firstly because I don’t think I’m anywhere near as sexy as Jennifer Hawkins and Jake Wall, but secondly because, out of the 25 couples mentioned, there was just one gay couple: us.
The article talked about Olivier as my “partner”, but we’ve actually been married for four and a half years. There’s a reason that information isn’t out there to be researched; there’s no point talking about being married in Australia because legally, we’re not. We’re married in every country in the world where it’s legal. But, because of Australian law, we’re not seen as married in the country [where] we live. It’s crazy.
The paper asked readers to vote for their favourite couple, and Olivier and I came second [to The Mentalist’s Simon Baker and Rebecca Rigg]. Seeing the support from the public was heartening – it gave external recognition that our life is just like everyone else’s on that list. We sit on the couch at home wearing ugg boots. We have a child, three dogs and a cat. We’re just like any other married couple, yet the law here doesn’t see our relationship as legally binding. While the newspaper and its readers recognise us as a legitimate couple, the law doesn’t.
It’s time there is a public and legal acknowledgement that relationships like mine are legitimate. Olivier and I stood before our loved ones, put rings on each other’s fingers and committed to each other for the rest of our lives. We didn’t get married to upset anyone else. Our marriage hasn’t affected anyone else’s relationship and it certainly hasn’t ruined the sanctity of marriage. We got married because we chose to commit to one person at the exclusion of all others. After all, isn’t that what marriage is about?
Before I met Olivier, I’d never thought about getting married. As a young gay man growing up in the ’90s, marriage was a closed door. It simply wasn’t an option – nor was it something that really interested me. It seemed like something straight people did. But when the world started to change [in 2001, Holland was the first country to legalise same-sex marriage], I was given the option to say “yes” to someone if they proposed to me. I thought it was nice, but I didn’t really understand how special it was until I met someone I loved enough – and who loved me enough – for us to want to spend the rest of our lives together. Now I’m very aware of the fact that my inability to be legally married in Australia is a denial of a right that everyone else has. And there’s no sensible reason for it.
Olivier and I had known each other for six years before we got together. We travelled in the same social circles… and I’d always thought he was hot! After he broke up with his long-term partner, he asked me out on a date and I said no. I thought he needed to get over his previous relationship properly. A few months went past and he asked again. I turned him down again. There was a fondness between us, but I felt it was too soon. Then in September 2010, he invited me to his son’s first birthday party [Olivier has a child with friends who are a gay female couple]. His little boy reached out for me and wanted me to hold him. I thought Olivier had put him up to being cute to win me over!
A few days later, we went on our first date – to the opening of an art gallery and then out for dinner. After I’d kissed Olivier goodnight and dropped him home, I thought, “Oh my, I’m in trouble.” On our second date, I didn’t leave, and we’ve been together ever since. I knew straight away he was the one for me. He is extremely smart. He’s kind. He’s fair. He’s successful. He’s also humble, sweet and generous. Oh, and he’s six feet tall and French – so a pretty good package!
One day, a song a came on the radio and I thought, “I’d like to play that at our wedding.” I knew I’d found The One, so why wouldn’t I want to get married? Olivier proposed just a couple of months after we met. We were lying outside on the grass with his son, and Olivier said, “We wanted to know if you’d be his dad. Will you marry me?” When the right person says [those words], it changes you forever. I just said, “Of course I will.”
It didn’t matter that we couldn’t get married in Australia – we don’t wait around for people to give us permission to do things. We’d already booked a holiday to South Africa, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2006, so we decided we’d get married while we were there. That’s the thing about the Australian law; it’s not stopping people getting married, it’s only denying gay people the same rights that everyone else has.
We got married in January 2011. It was a very small wedding attended by just a few of our loved ones. It was a beautiful day and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it would have been a lot simpler if we could have done it at home. Coming back to Australia with a marriage certificate and rings on our fingers was amazing, but it seemed silly our marriage wouldn’t be legally recognised at home. Olivier moved here from France 18 years ago because he thought Australia was a more progressive country, yet France passed the marriage-equality law two years ago. Everyone else is moving forwards, except us.
Some people might ask why a marriage certificate is so important, and that’s a valid question. A marriage doesn’t make a relationship better, or better than any other relationship. However, the right to get married shouldn’t be withheld from anyone. And there are legal benefits for married couples. If something goes wrong and your partner is incapacitated or passes away, marriage allows you to have a say, to do what the person you love would want. It gives you safety and security. It shows publicly that something binds you together.
For people who don’t think same-sex marriage should be allowed, I’d like them to see my marriage from the inside so they can understand it’s just like anyone else’s. We have challenges. We support each other through good and bad, the same as anyone. We need to look at the commonalities in relationships, not the differences.
Every day we don’t have marriage equality in Australia is a delay to people’s rights. It’s taking away the freedom that enables someone to make their life more secure and more loving. Having a committed relationship that is legally recognised means a great deal. When you find the person you feel confident you want to spend the rest of your life with, marriage is a wonderful way to formalise and honour that relationship. Imagine being told you can’t do that.
It seems inevitable to me that one day the law will change. The second that happens, Olivier and I will be having another wedding at home with all of our loved ones. We’ll have a proper celebration the way you’re supposed to. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.”
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